Persephone’s lesson

Shifting ground

I do have to come clean to y’all – my mind has been a really dark place lately. To the point where I wasn’t quite sure if I could pull myself out of it this time.

You see, this funny thing happens in your 20s where you go through your routine day in and day out not really noticing the quiet shifts in your “normal”. Then suddenly, you wake up one day and everything is different without your permission. 

The best way I can describe it is how you wake up on January 1st looking forward to a new year of lofty goals and best intentions. Every day the earth spins on its axis bringing day and night, day and night, day and night. Then suddenly it’s Christmas and we all say “how the hell did we get here” and maybe 50% of those lofty goals and best intentions were realized.

You didn’t ask for snow and distant relatives knocking at your door, but ready or not here they come. You may welcome the snow because you just absolutely love sledding and snow suits. On the other hand, you may absolutely despise being cold and have seasonal depression. 

That’s what life is like after graduating from the prescribed US school system. You no longer have a syllabus that clearly tells you when your life will change. You may not know how its going to change, but you know that on August 26th your new slew of classes and extracurriculares begin and that on the following May 22nd they end.

However, once you age out of this clear cut and defined way of life everything slows down, but also flies by? Guys, remember I said i’m having a hard time right now.

If you’re lucky, it’ll be just one thing that realizes an uninvited shift. If you’re (differently lucky?) like me, it’ll be everything at once.

New job. New apartment. New friend dynamic. New familial strife. New relationship norm.

Some of these things I chose and others I didn’t. Either way, I absolutely drowned in it all. I’m still splish-splashing in the deep end which is anything greater than 4 feet for me, mind you.

It’s true what Tracy Lawrence says that “the only thing that stays the same is everything changes”. What Tracy didn’t tell us is that that shit hurts and sometimes the only way out of the dark is to go home when you’re so stressed out that you spill your rice and start sobbing to your mom. Pretty bitchy of you, Tracy.

Through many conversations with my inner child I learned that my biggest fear is being left behind and being unwanted. Recently it has felt like I’ve been forgotten in almost every facet of my life. 

The first and most pivotal piece of my process to claw out of the dark is a really thorough wallow where I speak out loud, preferably to my mother, all the thoughts and fears my brain has conjured, fact based or otherwise. 

Next step, I rebuild. I recognize the people that have embraced who I am with a new career, new home, new friend opportunities, new familial bonds, and new relationship growth. Those are the people that I dig into and feel deep gratitude for.

Persephone

How does Persephone tie into all of this? While about 32% out of the darkness I picked up Edith Hamilton’s Mythology. Another important piece of escaping the tricks my mind plays is to force myself to do stuff I enjoy such as read nerdy books. While reading Hamilton’s discussion of Demeter and her daughter, Persephone, I immediately felt seen. A feeling of relief washed over me that I’m not alone and provided reassurance that I can escape the dark halls of my mind.

My fellow Greek mythology nerds will recall that Persephone was Hades’ unwilling bride. Demeter, goddess of the corn, was duped by Hades. “She lost her [daughter] and in her terrible grief she withheld her gifts from the earth, which turned into a frozen desert.” [pg. 51] After the humans got so fed up with the desolate earth they pleaded and sacrificed to the other gods hoping they would tell Demeter to let some shit grow, which she eventually agreed to after Zeus convinced Hades to return Persephone. 

The catch, however, was that Persephone would return to the underworld for 4 months each year. During those 4 months the world would return to its “frozen desert” state. Long story short, this is how the existence of winter was explained. 

Although glad to reunite with her mother, Persephone was never the same again. I mean, would you forget your experience living literally IN HELL? Hamilton notes:

“After the lord of the dark world below carried her away she was never again the gay young creature who had played in the flowery meadow without a thought of care or trouble. She did indeed rise from the dead every spring, but she brought with her the memory of where she came from; with all her bright beauty there was something strange and awesome about her”

Pg.55

I resonate intimately with the concept that we do in fact rise from the darkest places we can imagine, but they don’t leave us. We remember them consciously or not and it molds us into who we are. It creates something “strange and awesome” about us.

Persephone’s story reminded me of the last step of fighting my way back to the light. This last step is to remember that we can wake up from the darkest night and rebuild and trust and risk and love again. We can even allow ourselves to be loved again. As much as it makes me feel a knife through my heart and want to vomit, isn’t that the beauty of life? 

So, take this story of my girl Persephone and me crying to my mother and do what you will with it. I hope it brings you some comfort or a life raft if you, too, are in the darkest of places.

Be great and be kind to yourself.

Love,

Kendall