I recently read Dolly Adlerton’s book Everything I Know About Love and was inspired to memorialize everything I know about life as of my 25th year of life. Note that the below is subject to change at literally any given moment. Take from it what serves you.
1. Life only has the meaning you assign to it
Whether you ascribe to a religion, spiritual practice, relationship with the universe, or any other similar flavor we are all searching for the reason we are here. I poignantly remember the first time I had an existential crisis. I was 7 years old riding in the backseat of my mom’s white BMW. We turned the corner onto our cul de sac and I thought to myself “how the hell did I get here?” Probably not those exact words, but more of a disorienting blur of trying to reconcile space and time with 7 years of brain development as my only tool.
Now at 25, my current conclusion is “who cares why we’re here? We are here.” Accompanying that thought is a feeling that is equal parts terrifying and freeing. You are the master of your life and if it will have meaning. Of course, we are all intrinsically valuable. What I mean is that you can either shift into auto-pilot and decorate your home with beige as the guiding principle or you can make something of your opportunity to be alive.
2. If you feel like shit, help someone else
While I fully stand behind point #1 above, the one consistent way to create meaning is to pour into other people’s lives. The times I’ve felt the worst are when I was turned too inward. Focusing on others and how you can help them whether it be an investment of money or time is a surefire way to pull you out of any rut.
Secondary to this is that if you’re unhappy with the status quo, you have to get involved with your immediate community. The only way to affect change is by looking after the people to the left and the right of you. Find a local grassroots group focused on a cause you care about and show up for them. Check-in on your neighbors. Coach a sports team. Listen when someone needs to be heard.
3. If you are the same person as you were a year ago, you have an issue
While I love the foundation 18-year-old Kendall laid to create who I am today, I sure as hell don’t want to be exactly like her. We are meant to grow and evolve. When you stop doing that, you have a huge problem. The best way to grow is by reading. I promise that if you read 10 books written from varying perspectives every year you will not remain stagnant.
4. You deserve nothing
This was a hard lesson that I was introduced to at 16, 18, and 22. At 25 I am finally really grasping it at. The universe knows I can be stubborn.
Outside of fundamental human rights, we do not deserve a gold star just for showing up. If there is a vision you have for your relationships, career, health, etc. you have to grind and speak up for it.
The grind looks like staying later than others will, consciously putting yourself in challenging situations, creating advocates that can be in rooms you can’t be in (yet), and sitting with discomfort when giving up would be easier.
Speaking up looks like asking the right questions (then shutting up and listening), voicing what you want to the people that can help make it happen, and speaking about your vision as if it’s already happened.
5. Your energy is precious
In our world today there are so many things telling us where our attention should be. When life shouts “this is important!!!!!!!” pause and ask yourself, “is it important to me?” Spending your time and energy on things that don’t align with your values is indescribably draining. Learn to listen to your inner voice and say no. I promise that a Friday night at home alone is truly incredible when needed.
6. Not every day is easy, even if you are happy
There is this narrative that if you drink lemon water and exfoliate that all of your problems will be solved. Life is more nuanced than that. Don’t set yourself up for many blurry existential crises similar to the one I had at 7 years old by falling into this trap.
Everything can be going “right” (again, who the hell knows what that means) for you and it’s still possible to feel the need to cry face down on your bed at 2:17 pm. Why the hell else would we all continue to work from home? I couldn’t possibly think of any other reason.
7. Love isn’t the fantasy they sold us
Love is not something that fills a hole inside of you. Your partner is not the missing link to solve life’s problems. Love is rather you saying “here’s all my shit” and your partner saying “here’s all my shit” and then you both say “I see all your shit and still choose you.”
The other lie we’ve been taught is that you have to be completely enamored with yourself to be any good to someone else. Being loved, seen, and validated in all of your good and bad can be beautifully healing.
8. Not all friendships last forever, nor should they
This has been my hardest lesson since entering my mid-twenties. Building on #3 above, you are not the only one changing and growing. So too are the people around you. Let them.
This will mean that the people you spend every weekend with now may not align with who you are a year from now. I believe the universe brings people into our lives to teach us a lesson and if that lesson has been learned, it could be time to go your separate ways. The opposite vantage point is true as well, you were brought to someone for a purpose and when that purpose was filled it’s time to let go. Pain arises when either party tries to hang on beyond the time that was intended for you both.
Be grateful for the people you meet and the lessons you help each other with along the way. There is a throughline to life’s random and serendipitous road, you just have to step back and see its beauty.
9. Putting your Christmas tree up before thanksgiving is way better than after
Everything is made up, so do what brings you joy. If a “rule” of life doesn’t serve you, then change it. As long as you are not hurting yourself or others you can change any narrative to serve you.
Does wearing a head-to-toe sequin outfit to church make you happy? Do it. Does having your Christmas lights up year-round spark joy? Do it. Does walking backward make you feel lighter? Do it.
10. You don’t have everything figured out and that’s ok
I can’t wait to read this article when I’m 30, smile fondly, and utter “you didn’t know anything.” Because at 30 I’ll know new and more nuanced pieces of life that I cannot currently fathom.
The best thing about life is meeting your future self and looking back at all of your prior versions with kindness and love. To see them and everything they couldn’t see. To see all of the blessings and love that carried them through the dark. To appreciate all of the people that saw them when they couldn’t see themselves. To be reminded to show up in the present and be the light for someone else when they can’t find the switch.
None of us know what’s going on, but if you care for the people around you and learn how to show up for yourself you are certain to find your way.
That’s what I know about life at 25.
Be great everyone.
Love,
Kendall