Step 1: Fail
Throughout my life the word “failure” has been synonymous with “bad”, “scary”, and “no one loves you”. As a result of this I was often paralyzed with the drive to be perfect. If I could get straight A’s, score more goals, and have more friends I would not be a failure and therefore would be worthy of love.
The challenge is that in the pursuit of love and acceptance through perfection, you commit yourself to living like Sisyphus. An exhausting routine of anticipating every outcome in every situation around you so that you can navigate it successfully over and over again for the rest of your life.
This is how I lived for the first 18 years of my life. I had the straight A’s, the D1 scholarship, the friends. Then, my worst fear was realized – I failed.
At my first college practice I quickly realized that I was the worst player on the team. Queue a large “YOU’RE FAILING AND ARE UNLOVABLE” sign flashing in my mind’s eye every morning.
Step 2: Respond
I’ll be honest, I felt really sorry for myself. There were tears, self hate and stints of self imposed isolation. Then, one day I looked at myself with some hard love and said “ok sure, you failed. So what are you going to do about it?”
My response? Work my ass off.
I wanted to be on the field playing the game I loved. To achieve this I ran, lifted, watched film, did stick work, asked for feedback, and got honest with myself. I picked myself up off the ground, made a game plan to get what I wanted, and executed. The results weren’t immediate, but as the season went on my coach and my teammates started to take notice. They saw me getting to practice early and staying late after games. I gained respect not only for the improvement in my game, but also for the pure dedication that I exhibited.
I continued to grind every day of the summer before my sophomore season hoping to see the field that year. First I crushed the fall run tests, then I proved I could execute on the field, finally I earned a starting spot for the regular season.
Step 3: Fail again
I’d love to say that this is where my failures ended and I have lived my life in bliss since then, however, it was only the beginning of my failures. During my remaining undergrad years I hurt people, let my teammates down, struggled mentally, lost my starting spot, and BOMBED exams (looking at you econometrics).
The sting of failure has never lessened, but how failure changed my life is that I’m no longer afraid of it. I know it is inevitable and that I’ve always come back a better version of myself as a result of failing. I know that I am worthy of love and no failures or successes can alter that fact.
From my failures in sports, work, and relationships I have learned invaluable lessons. Each time I’ve bounced back more gritty, more kind, more compassionate, more introspective, and more loving to not only others, but also myself.
This anecdote is the best way I know how to introduce myself to those that don’t yet know me. I’m a failure, but I am resilient. I wouldn’t quite say that I look forward to failure yet, however I do look forward to the version of myself that I meet on the other side of it.
Life and failure hurt. They hurt bad. My wish for us all is that despite the hurt we don’t let it make us hard. Instead, we see failure and hurt as an opportunity to learn something about ourselves and love more radically.
Be great everyone.
Love,
Kendall